If you are walking by a yard with a dog in it, do you expect it to “meow” at you? Perhaps you expect it to hop onto a lily pad or fly into its nest. Chances are, if you see a dog in a yard you would not be shocked and surprised when it barks and scratches behind its ear. It is a dog and that’s what dogs do. Based on this very simple picture I have developed a saying:
“Dogs bark and cats meow.”
Let me make sense of this for you if, by chance, you’re still reading. I have found myself and others doing the absurd thing I mention in the first sentence as it applies to the people around them and their actions/decisions. As an extreme example, let’s say I go by the shelter and pick up some guy that smells of booze and hire him. Should I be shocked, angry or surprised when this fellow shows up late, does lousy work or lies to me? Should I allow that to anger me? Or do I say to myself “Well, Ryan, dogs bark and cats meow.” Meaning, he is what he is and I knew what to expect.
In our lives there are many people around us. People tend to act like people. They make mistakes; sometimes they will stretch the truth, break confidences, over-step boundaries, lie, betray etc. etc. We, as mature adults, have to make a decision once and for all that people’s actions cannot shock or surprise us, causing resentment, bitterness and anger. I.e. “That stupid dog was supposed to meow at me, roll in the mud and fly away...but it just barked and pee’d on a tree!” Or, “My friend/mother/father/brother/sister was supposed to be perfect and never act offensive but then he/she did and now I’m pissed.” This all comes down to two things:
1. We CHOOSE to be offended. We are not victims of anything or anyone. If someone has the power to offend us, it’s because we allowed them that place in our lives. Therefore we have to ask ourselves this question: “Why do I feel this way. Is it because of what they did or because of my wrong expectations?”
2. People all make mistakes. Every last single one. If you make the decision to lift some father figure, pastor or mentor onto some golden throne in your mind, you have set yourself up for offense. And when, not if, they make a mistake you have already chosen to take offense.
As an adult, we all have the choice to be offended or not. I know it sounds impossible but hear me out. Answer me this: What good to you or anyone on this planet does you carrying an offense do? All it does is raise the acid level in your stomach and make you lose sleep. It is a victim mentality that holds offense. “They made me feel this way.” “I was powerless to avoid my reaction to that situation.” These are false statements.
However, lots of people do carry offenses. Would you like to know why? I’ll tell you. Being offended gives you a sense of control and power. It’s the “taking my ball (affection/friendship) and going home” scenario that so many of us fall into. The root is in insecurity and basic immaturity. “I’m offended” is actually, “I’ve decided that you’ll be sorry for doing what you did because you value our relationship and I’m going to remove it until you buffer my ego with some kind of recompense!”
The other side of this is being smart about what people you surround yourself with. If “dogs bark and cats meow”, then why are you sharing a secret with someone who has a long history of not keeping them? If you know that someone it injured in life, why are you surprised and angry when they lash-out at you? If you see your friend acting selfishly in his/her other relationships, why be surprised and angry when it happens to you. You see? These are all OUR choices, not a victim’s response to uncontrollable circumstances.
Are you holding onto old offense? If so, why? Do you have the strength to grow up and move on? Let’s stop expecting perfection from those around us. People are not God. People are not perfect. I have said many times that we have to ration mercy for future behaviors. Look at it like preparing a meal and freezing it. Prepare mercy and set it aside for those around you for WHEN they hurt you.
- From Ryan
p.s. Before you say "That's all being judgmental and putting people in a box", understand that there is good judgment and bad judgment. One is discernment and the other condemnation. Discernment in on-going and allows others to change in our perception of them. Condemnation is final and is damaging to relationships. We find this in the Bible. "A righteous man judges all things" uses the Greek word for judge that means discern with wisdom. "Judge not lest you be judged" uses the Greek word that means to condemn.
I leave you with music that kills all bad moods.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
Little Monsters
I see the mind as a small room. In that room is you. By “you” I mean who you are and who you are meant to be. The real part of you that is eternal, makes decisions, reasons, loves, doubts and creates. With you in that room are what I have come to call your “little monsters”. These are all your appetites. These include appetites for sex, wealth, influence, entertainment, peer approval, affirmation and the most commonly recognized of them all, food. None of these are “bad” things as long as they are “on their leash” and not overfed monsters that end up putting you on a leash.
I think we can all recognize when a persons “self” has been over-ridden with one monster or another. Men and women can become slaves to their appetites for sex, food, money, entertainment, alcohol, cigarettes, affirmation, power and many other things in this world we live in. Many of us end up serving several of these at one time.
So how does this happen? How does our appetite for sex/food/money/etc get so strong that it puts “who we are” on the leash and takes control. This happens by habitual over-feeding of these things. The main cause of this, from what I have seen, is the belief that these things give us value as a person. Also, these monsters have the ability to comfort us or lull us into a stupor as opposed to actively engaging life. We can find a root of fear under all that. So we feed ourselves food, sexual contact, TV, movies, video games, yes-men/safe friendships, needless expenses, new toys and much more in order to make ourselves “happy”.
What really ends up happening is that “who we are” gets trampled under our fears and appetites. Are the very rich happy? Are the obese happy? Are the very sexually active happy? I think it’s safe to say, “not necessarily”. I would not say “no” because there are always varying circumstances to everything.
Friends, please do not let these appetites get so strong that they define you and replace who you are and are meant to be. God made you who you are because He loves you. Turn off the TV and the Internet once in a while. Go on a sex or food fast now and then. Show those little monsters who is “boss” in that “room” you share with them and be who you are. Go on some long walks with your spouse. Read some books. Have some difficult and engaging conversations with friends who do not share your views! Think, grow, love, risk, fail, recover, forgive, create and have fun. Don’t miss out on life due to over-fed appetites.
Much Love,
Ryan
Please post your comments below! Keep it clean and friendly.
I leave you with Little Wing. Why? Because it is awesome.
I think we can all recognize when a persons “self” has been over-ridden with one monster or another. Men and women can become slaves to their appetites for sex, food, money, entertainment, alcohol, cigarettes, affirmation, power and many other things in this world we live in. Many of us end up serving several of these at one time.
So how does this happen? How does our appetite for sex/food/money/etc get so strong that it puts “who we are” on the leash and takes control. This happens by habitual over-feeding of these things. The main cause of this, from what I have seen, is the belief that these things give us value as a person. Also, these monsters have the ability to comfort us or lull us into a stupor as opposed to actively engaging life. We can find a root of fear under all that. So we feed ourselves food, sexual contact, TV, movies, video games, yes-men/safe friendships, needless expenses, new toys and much more in order to make ourselves “happy”.
What really ends up happening is that “who we are” gets trampled under our fears and appetites. Are the very rich happy? Are the obese happy? Are the very sexually active happy? I think it’s safe to say, “not necessarily”. I would not say “no” because there are always varying circumstances to everything.
Friends, please do not let these appetites get so strong that they define you and replace who you are and are meant to be. God made you who you are because He loves you. Turn off the TV and the Internet once in a while. Go on a sex or food fast now and then. Show those little monsters who is “boss” in that “room” you share with them and be who you are. Go on some long walks with your spouse. Read some books. Have some difficult and engaging conversations with friends who do not share your views! Think, grow, love, risk, fail, recover, forgive, create and have fun. Don’t miss out on life due to over-fed appetites.
Much Love,
Ryan
Please post your comments below! Keep it clean and friendly.
I leave you with Little Wing. Why? Because it is awesome.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Sexual Escalation (A "PG-13" discussion)
Long post, try to make it through to the end.
From time to time I will be diving into some of the nitty-gritty aspects of life. Please understand that I intend to speak frankly about sexuality in this post, specifically as it pertains to husbands and fatherhood. My posts won’t all be like this.
I hate pornography. When I say that I hate it understand that the very first kid I punched in the face was shoving a nudy picture into my face when I was 12. As dramatic as this sounds, I actually walked off his property and never went back. I was raised with a father and mother who taught me that the worth of a person did not depend on their ability to attract a mate. Now I know some of the folks that read this are of a more progressive mindset and may think, “Come on, Ryan. What's wrong with a little breasts or crotch shots here and there? We’re all human”. Precisely. Human. Not apes or dogs. Animals rely on instincts to make their way through life. I like to think we’re better then that. One of our defining attributes as humans is our ability to tell our instincts “No”. This is actually not my main point. Let’s get to that now.
Pornography teaches young men and women that their sexual pleasure is derived from ever-escalating sources of stimulus. Anyone who has ever dealt with this kind of thing will understand what I mean. (On that note, let me make one thing clear. As much as I hate porn, I have struggled with it in the past. It’s a nasty trap that and once you feed that appetite, getting it uprooted from your mind and heart is no small task. A word of advice: stay far away.) As a young man first being exposed to pornography, a simple picture of nudity is enough exciting stimulus for that sexual appetite. Soon, however, it ceases to be enough and you look for a bit more, perhaps more skin exposure or the act of sex. From there you may require a video of sex to satisfy this growing beast that is your sexual appetite. It does not take a genius to see where this goes.
Pedophiles do not happen overnight. It’s a long, sick and sad process of escalation.
So why is it a problem to teach your appetite for sex that you need more exposure, raunchier content, crazier acts of sex in order to be satisfied? There is a whole book that could be written about that subject. Today, lets discuss how being faithful to your wife/husband becomes a real issue. Not just faithful in action, but in your thoughts. I hold true to the belief that we’re all responsible for our thoughts, not just our actions. Not only because God sees our thoughts, but because soon those thoughts can lead to actions that lead to other more destructive actions. Do people trip and fall into their secretary’s bed? No. A man who sleeps with another woman has built a foundation of this kind or escalating sexuality. Usually it involves several steps. He may go from looking at porn here and there to a full-on addiction. From there he will, inevitably, bring those images into his marriage bed via his imagination. He’ll start using those thoughts to get turned on. From there he may start fantasizing about women in his life, those close to him and who may have even flirted a bit. Once those fantasies have taken root and he’s no longer engaged with his wife for anything other then simple friction, all it takes is the wrong time and place and you have some freshly cooked and carefully prepared adultery. Guys and gals, as horrible as it sounds, it happens all the time. Most people walk down this ugly path while not even knowing what sort of mess they are creating. Those that willingly fantasize and are "cool" with watching pornography, what are you teaching your spouse? "You are not enough. I want something else".
It is insane that the world around us actually promotes pornography or writes it off as harmless.
My goal is for Rachel and I to be an old couple that is still in love. I want to be a trustworthy and “clean-feeling” man. (Women who read this will know just what I mean by “clean-feeling”. A man who is eaten up with an advanced and monstrous sexual appetite can be spotted a mile away.) We do not need an escalating sexuality in order to be 100% fulfilled. We have been married for 8 years and Rachel and I enjoy each other a ton, all the time having a clean conscience.
Men and women! Safeguard your heart! Do not allow yourself to become a walking appetite. A selfish attitude towards sexual fulfillment will leave you empty and alone. Keep your bedroom clear of any of the crap out there and if you’re not married, honor your future wife/husband now by keeping your eyes and heart clear.
Love you,
Ryan
***
I ask that those of you who want to post to please read ALL the original post and ALL the comments. Chances are the subject has been covered. I have seen these kinds of discussions go on and on and on and on because people keep repeating what’s been said. If you’ve made a point that has been argued with, please don’t simply remake that point using a slightly different example or twist. If you’ve said you’re bit, let it be.
Fun stuff guys, keep it coming!
From time to time I will be diving into some of the nitty-gritty aspects of life. Please understand that I intend to speak frankly about sexuality in this post, specifically as it pertains to husbands and fatherhood. My posts won’t all be like this.
I hate pornography. When I say that I hate it understand that the very first kid I punched in the face was shoving a nudy picture into my face when I was 12. As dramatic as this sounds, I actually walked off his property and never went back. I was raised with a father and mother who taught me that the worth of a person did not depend on their ability to attract a mate. Now I know some of the folks that read this are of a more progressive mindset and may think, “Come on, Ryan. What's wrong with a little breasts or crotch shots here and there? We’re all human”. Precisely. Human. Not apes or dogs. Animals rely on instincts to make their way through life. I like to think we’re better then that. One of our defining attributes as humans is our ability to tell our instincts “No”. This is actually not my main point. Let’s get to that now.
Pornography teaches young men and women that their sexual pleasure is derived from ever-escalating sources of stimulus. Anyone who has ever dealt with this kind of thing will understand what I mean. (On that note, let me make one thing clear. As much as I hate porn, I have struggled with it in the past. It’s a nasty trap that and once you feed that appetite, getting it uprooted from your mind and heart is no small task. A word of advice: stay far away.) As a young man first being exposed to pornography, a simple picture of nudity is enough exciting stimulus for that sexual appetite. Soon, however, it ceases to be enough and you look for a bit more, perhaps more skin exposure or the act of sex. From there you may require a video of sex to satisfy this growing beast that is your sexual appetite. It does not take a genius to see where this goes.
Pedophiles do not happen overnight. It’s a long, sick and sad process of escalation.
So why is it a problem to teach your appetite for sex that you need more exposure, raunchier content, crazier acts of sex in order to be satisfied? There is a whole book that could be written about that subject. Today, lets discuss how being faithful to your wife/husband becomes a real issue. Not just faithful in action, but in your thoughts. I hold true to the belief that we’re all responsible for our thoughts, not just our actions. Not only because God sees our thoughts, but because soon those thoughts can lead to actions that lead to other more destructive actions. Do people trip and fall into their secretary’s bed? No. A man who sleeps with another woman has built a foundation of this kind or escalating sexuality. Usually it involves several steps. He may go from looking at porn here and there to a full-on addiction. From there he will, inevitably, bring those images into his marriage bed via his imagination. He’ll start using those thoughts to get turned on. From there he may start fantasizing about women in his life, those close to him and who may have even flirted a bit. Once those fantasies have taken root and he’s no longer engaged with his wife for anything other then simple friction, all it takes is the wrong time and place and you have some freshly cooked and carefully prepared adultery. Guys and gals, as horrible as it sounds, it happens all the time. Most people walk down this ugly path while not even knowing what sort of mess they are creating. Those that willingly fantasize and are "cool" with watching pornography, what are you teaching your spouse? "You are not enough. I want something else".
It is insane that the world around us actually promotes pornography or writes it off as harmless.
My goal is for Rachel and I to be an old couple that is still in love. I want to be a trustworthy and “clean-feeling” man. (Women who read this will know just what I mean by “clean-feeling”. A man who is eaten up with an advanced and monstrous sexual appetite can be spotted a mile away.) We do not need an escalating sexuality in order to be 100% fulfilled. We have been married for 8 years and Rachel and I enjoy each other a ton, all the time having a clean conscience.
Men and women! Safeguard your heart! Do not allow yourself to become a walking appetite. A selfish attitude towards sexual fulfillment will leave you empty and alone. Keep your bedroom clear of any of the crap out there and if you’re not married, honor your future wife/husband now by keeping your eyes and heart clear.
Love you,
Ryan
***
I ask that those of you who want to post to please read ALL the original post and ALL the comments. Chances are the subject has been covered. I have seen these kinds of discussions go on and on and on and on because people keep repeating what’s been said. If you’ve made a point that has been argued with, please don’t simply remake that point using a slightly different example or twist. If you’ve said you’re bit, let it be.
Fun stuff guys, keep it coming!
Thursday, June 3, 2010
From Ryan
I have considered doing something like this for quite some time. I want a medium where I can offer tid-bits without going into a giant diatribe. I have been married 8 years and have 3 boys. Rachel and I have seen some ups and downs over the past few years. Some of our adventures together include having a boy with classic autism and having church in our home.
During the week I pray for and think about many of you that may end up reading this. I'll be posting here when I think of stuff to put here. Will it all be amazing revelations and golden nuggets of wisdom? Probably not.
I will commit to you all not to post when it's very late or if I'm hungry and grumpy.
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